Darwin Awards: Evolution In Action

Steel Macbook Armor

You are wearing body armor in a warzone. You spot abandoned Macbook. You want Macbook. Where to hide it? With quick reflexes a Russian soldier slid that Macbook into his chest armor pocket, replacing a ballistic plate designed to save his life.

He was killed in Irpin, and his body was retrieved, providing a hearty laugh for all of Ukraine. 'Instant Karma' They reportedly found a stolen iPad as well. Wonder where the iPad was hidden? Next to this watch? (Pulp Fiction)

"Why didn't he type quickly, Ctrl+Z ?" --Charly W, FB
"That was the Hunter Biden Macbook!" --Ricardo D, FB
"In Russia life steals you." -Jason P, FB

Pastor Shawn Meets His Maker

(18 March 2022, Florida) Boating on Lake Seminole was a delight to Shawn and his friend, up until his boat began to founder. And he had no life vest! But no worry. Other boaters on the lake called the Pinellas County Sheriff Rescue team, and on Friday afternoon shortly after 2pm they were safe on land again. Catastrophe averted. Kiss the earth.

But Pastor Shawnm, 39, evidently wanted more of the same. He called a friend to ferry him back out on the lake, so he could rescue the ship-in-distress. OK well that's understandable. But, again without a life jacket? Hm.

Around 5:30pm Poor Pastor Shawn tried to transfer to the little boat, and actually capsized it! Not so easy to jump from one boat to another, right? Especially when it is already foundering. Now Poor Pastor Shawn was definitely in the drink. No life vest and unable to swim. Hm.

For sure, his buddy tried to save him, but was unable to pull the pastor out. And why was he unable to get the pastor out of the water? Because it is super tricky to heave a body into a boat. It requires strength and practice, and sailors learn to grab ahold of the life vest and forcefully hoist the person in.

People don't have handles.

So many choice points what? Can't swim. The boat is sinking. You try to rescue it without a life vest. And you incautiously plunge into the water, to boot. Are you thinking God helps those who hobble themselves?

The pastor could not walk on water, he could not swim in water, he could not leave the water, the only remaining option was to sink. Reluctant to stereotype, yet he was indeed a Florida man.

Pinellas County Sheriff arrived at 5:42pm and rescue divers searched for four hours and finally located the body. Poor choices, poor Pastor Shawn, where did you go wrong?

[Photo Credit: Pinellas County Sheriff]

ORIGINAL SUBMISSION

Tombstoned Footballer

(13 May 2022, Majorca Spain) Dutch football pro Mourad Lamrabatte was hungry for a vacation prank: leaping off a cliff into the ocean! Thinking "My athletic strength will carry me way out into the beautiful blue waters 30-meters below!" he instructed his kinfolk to film the fatal feat, let out a triumphant yodel, and tombstoned into the abyss.

Tombstoning - a caper where a thrill-seeker hurls themself off a cliff edge to hit the water feet-first.

Keep in mind that 30-meters is high even for experienced cliff divers; that 10-meters is the horizontal distance needed to reach deep water from this cliff face; and that calculated velocity on impact is 88 klick (55 mph).

This sick flip became a freefall into the sharp sea rocks below, because not even a great footballer can leap 10-meters horizonally. Adding insult to injury, the impact velocity was equal to being hit by a vehicle on the motorway. The Dutch athlete died in the brine at the age of 31, a goner I'm sorry to say.

RIP to Mourad, missed by family and fans alike.
But why would you do it? Straight suicide.

Perversely, losing his life _may_ enhance the survival of his contributions to posterity, aka kids: Research shows a connection between epigenetic changes and risk-adverse decisions, and so the children of a risk-taker may experience inheritable epigenetic changes to the genes that makes them risk-adverse, and less likely to follow a parent's fatal foolishness.

~~BTW Friday the 13th, spooky coincidence.~~
Oops corrected: 12 May 2022, not the 13th.

ORIGINAL SUBMISSION

Death By Water Bottle Waterfall

(19 April 2022, Italy) No water shortage in this Italian supermarket, where a sudden tidal wave of water spelled doom for a ransacker. The man, 46, was a well known character in the city of Cattolica. He snuck into the back of the closed market on Easter Monday—and that break-in was his last.

He paused to enjoy a drink of water, pulling a bottle from a towering tableau, and the whole darned stack collapsed on top of him like a tidal wave! Employees returned to the shop the next day, and were confronted by a collapsed mess of crates.

A few hours into the workday they finally began to sort the collapse FB Fans in overdrive!

Yannick F, "Don't Go Chasing Waterfalls"

Mike McG,"Stay thirsty, my friends..."

Achim K, "It was a rather fluid situation, until someone floated a solution." stack. Lifting the first crate, an arm emerged! It was immediately clear that a tragedy had taken place. But what...?

Thanks to the CCTV footage, the carabinieri were able to reconstruct the last moments of the 46-year-old's life as he tugged the bottle free, and was crushed by the weight of the crates. People were sad he had died, but then again it was twice his fault: breaking in, and alone in the store taunting gravity to do its worst.

Molten Man

(2 January 2022, Hawaii USA) The man was 75 but still game for an off-limits sortie into Volcanoes National Park. As a resident of the nearby town of Hilo, the elder hiker was well aware of lava's distinctive molten danger. Probably had a picture of Pompeii on the wall. Yet this midnight hike past a 'WARNING YOU WILL DIE!' sign--all locals know better--seemed sensible to him. How cool to see the hot red glow of lava at night, right?

Mesmerizing lava was the siren song that lured this old boy to a magnificent sight and a midnight death. "Natural Laws Have No Pity," deceased author Robert Heinlein commented to the luckless volcano-vanquished chap, as he woke up in the afterlife. I hereby suggest that this man is worthy of an award for his red-blooded stupidity.

Can we give a Darwin Award to an oldster and not bellow about how he already is done reproducing, my dear readers? I cannot help but love these confrontations with nature, esp. when they happen to...

My own family...

...behaved crazy stupid visiting Hawaii's Big Island. It was a horror. Relatives called me, "Take a picture of us BEHIND THIS SIGN!" The sign said, 'Do Not Go Beyond This Point, YOU WILL DIE.'"Get back this side of that sign!" I urged. But they just laughed and stomped their feet on the wrinkled lava, demanding a photo.

The old man's family reported the Darwin Award nominee missing at midnight on Sunday evening, and his body was recovered 8 hours later at 8AM Monday morning. It's not the end-all of the 2022 Darwin Awards, yet Mr Lava Melt certainly deserves his hour of notoriety.

ORIGINAL SUBMISSION

The Car Wash Blues

Driver wins a slow-roll Darwin Award

(15 April 2022, California) Perplexing. Why did a Las Vegas resident jump out of the car inside an Escondido car wash at midnight? Avoiding a bee? All we know is, they did.

Rene Tactay drove into the carwash, then EXITED the Scion hatchback (!!) while the drive was still IN GEAR. (!?) Under its own power, the Scion evidently crept forward as cars do, and the 56-year-old was pinned beneath the vehicle. Escondido police said, "The carwash was not active at the time."

Car Wash or carwash?

The driver was noticed by the next person to visit the carwash--eek! Authorities took the unresponsive body to Palomar Medical Center where death was confirmed. No extenuating circumstances have been found, so we bestow upon Rene a Washed-Up Darwin Award, and commend to the reader these hearty Reddit snarks.

ORIGINAL SUBMISSION

124 Snakes Seek Less Annoying Housemate

Maryland Has A Snake Problem #1

(21 November 2021, Maryland) A homeowner in Montgomery County was fed up with a snake infestation. But instead of calling a professional they opted to smoke the basement with burning coals on the basement floor! The coals started a fire that likely did smoke out snakes, but it also spread and burned that house to the ground! Like bringing a chainsaw to a knife fight. There were no (human) injuries, so this one's an Honorable Mention--but check out the next:

Maryland Has A Snake Problem #2

On January 19, 2022, authorities making a 'welfare check' in Pomfret, MD found David Riston dead alone in their house--alone except for numerous species of snakes, some venomous! Cobras, rattlesnakes, black mambas, and a gigantic python were among the 124 serpentine residents still living in the house. These exotic snakes were kept in beautiful habitat enclosures, but evidently one disgruntled Serpente had protested confinement: Autopsy confirmed that the 49-year-old Homo sapiens died of 'accidental' snake envenomation.

Accidental? Did anyone ask the snake about its motives? Also I found no report on which species did it. I sense a parlor mystery game here... The body was discovered on January 19, 2022 and (snort) NEIGHBORS HAD NO IDEA!

ORIGINAL SUBMISSION

Superman Stupor-man

2005 October 4, Location: airborne | Petty Officer Brandon Dilbert (a pseudonym) of the United States Navy, was like so many heroes before him: he lost his life while in service to his country and is officially honored with the full respect due to a fallen hero--and literally fallen, 'cuz the cause of death was 'Supermanning' out of a naval helicopter while performing a crazy stunt on the stern cargo ramp.

Brandon was serving his country during the War in Iraq and 'Supermanning' had recently been invented by certain troops goofing off in aircraft such as large helicopters with a rear cargo exit. Somebody (er, err... such as Petty Officer Brandon Dilbert) would contrive a makeshift harness using a safety belt or cargo strap, then lower their body out the back of the aircraft with legs outstretched and arms straight out ahead, flying horizontally just like Superman with one fist pumped forward!

Did the PO die holding off 200 enemy while allowing shipmates to escape? Did the PO die while physically preventing a boiler explosion like a Superman hero? No, he...hee...fell out of the helicopter he was crewing.]

In this sensationally relatable pose Super-man must hold tight-tight to that makeshift harness to defeat the Super-naturally strong winds and allow pictures taken, then mightily haul oneself back into the aircraft before the pilots find out.

The MH-53 is the largest helicopter in the United States, cruising at a nominal speed of 138 mph and carrying 52 troops or 36.000 pounds of cargo. The pilots were unaware of the crews' nonsense because cargo obstructs the aft view in a fully loaded ~~baked potato~~ MH-53. And it is ~~not uncommon~~ common for military helicopters to fly with the cargo ramp partly open. No, no way the pilots could see crew sitting on the open ramp. [But if they did they would laugh first and ask questions second!]

To be specific about this instance—one in a series, later investigation revealed—Petty Officer Brandon strapped a ten-foot belt under his shoulders and slowly let himself out over the edge of the cargo ramp while fellow crew's tapped winning photos of his antics. But his iron grip did slip and the full weight of his body was briefly held by the loose harness, which soon slipped from under his arms off his shoulders, sending him falling 125 feet into the Persian Gulf.

Dilbert 's body was discovered about four hours later, and an admiral's investigation immediately began.

A vivid mental poster imaginess the bystanders asking, 'Are you OK?' and the Super Petty Off-ficer responding with an AOK hand sign... leaving only one hand holding the strap. Whoops! One can also imagine the crew suddenly radioing the pilots to slow and descend: 'Oh no reason... just seems a bit high we're flying eh no? A bit drafty in here.'

Rear Admiral Denby H. Starling II (yes, the Admiral's real name) was the commander of the Atlantic Naval Air Force at the time, under whose aegis the MH-53 from Mine Countermeasures Squadron 15 operated. The good Admiral had never heard of Superman'ing but after investigation, determined that this unsafe and unallowable practice had gone on for a decade or more!! Four other crewmen in the squadron admitted to having Supermanned in the past. Heads then rolled and many were stripped of their aircrew designations.

Ironically the Petty Officer's death was ruled as 'in the line of duty,' and he joins the pantheon of American Heroes who lost their lives during the Second (some historians say Third) Iraq War.

Pretty Fly For A Dead Guy

(8 December 2021, Houston Texas) A West Houston student pilot named Solomon was allowed to solo in a Cessna 172 a few weeks before the incident described below. After the solo flight, the exhilarated 23-year-old decided to buy a different plane type, one that he had no training in: a Piper PA-28-140.

For the majority of readers who are not pilots, here are some student flyer license restrictions:

A student may not fly solo with a passenger in the aircraft. That is actually written on the license.
A student pilot may not fly at night without specific endorsement by the instructor.
A student pilot must fly under 'visual flight rules' meaning only during daylight hours and keeping distance from clouds.
A student pilot may not fly on a hazy or foggy day. There must be at least 3 miles of visibility, and some instructors place a more stringent requirement of +6 vis. on student licenses.
A student may only fly solo with an instructor's endorsement for that specific make and model of aircraft.

His West Houston flight instructor pointedly told this 23-year-old: "DO NOT FLY that new aircraft until you are given some training in it." But that did not deter Solomon from taking his new toy out for exercise on a winter night.

He had to fly a plane he had not been trained in. He had to fly at night. And he had to fly with an overcast ceiling of 900 feet. Three strikes...

The flight began at 7:30 pm and lasted maybe 4 minutes.

The private plane's transponder was not functioning, so the West Houston Airport was not aware the plane was missing until a friend looking for Solomon wandered into the airport the next day.

One Darwin Winner with a side dish of One Honorable Mention -- an unfortunate passenger who thought it was a good idea to fly at night with this student.

The wreckage of the Piper plane was identified deep in a heavily wooded area. And unfortunately there was a fourth strike against Solomon. Two bodies were found in the wreck. The foolish young man earns a Darwin Award for breaking four rules of flight. And the foolish young friend earns an Honorable Mention for choosing to participate in the dangerous situation, too.

ORIGINAL SUBMISSION

Struck Speechless

12 Sept 2021, Berkeley CALIFORNIA | Roll a fat cigar of brainpower for two mental midges who climbed out of their vehicles on busy Interstate 80 to argue about who slammed into whom. In short order both argle bargles got slammed into again, this time without the protection of a metal cage.

Situational Awareness:
It's A Thing.

The second crash occurred at 1:30AM when a hapless Mini Cooper driver swerved to avoid the Dodge Durango and Chevy Malibu wrecks, accidentally colliding with the men. A lesson we all should remember is that neither dead driver cares about that dispute anymore. Learn from the mistakes of others. Two men paid a steep price for their situational unawareness.

It was also not fair to the traumatized Mini Cooper motorist. Alcohol or drugs do not appear to be a factor--just ordinary lack of common sense. And THAT is our daily Darwin Award, something we see quite too much of.

Rock Hound

(9 May 1976, Hudson Valley NY) 1976 Retrospective.
Opus-40 is an ambitious stoneworks some compara to Stonehenge, flaunting six (6+) acres of hand-built stone ridges, bridges, moats and monuments. Quarried at the site by old dead guy Harvey Fite, his magnum opus is a wild landscape of stoner madnesss!

Dry-stack stonework is a time-tested and durable technique. It's how the Roman arches hang together! And as goes the Roman Empire, so goes Harvey Fite. Mr. Fite died at the age of 72 only a few years short of completing the walls, ramps and stairways, placid pools, murky moats and subterranean passageways of his dreams.

And how, you ask, did this stonemason bite the dust?

Magnum Opus: An impressive work of art, especially the culmination of a lifetime spent mastering the arcana.

He died Darwin dumb, to be honest. While riding a lawn mower, Harvey zoomed out onto a precipice and fell into his own stone quarry. And snap, just like that he was stone dead! On the sunny side, this artist loved where he lived & and died where he loved. Surely his heart still resides in this amazing grace amazing place.

Gotta love a Darwin Award winner with such dedication in life and in death. Today, forty years down that rocky road, his heirs and successors are squabbling over his legacy according to the New York Times report that brought this noble Darwin Award to our attention.

Reference: Wikipedia Harvey Fite
Reference: Good Fences Make Good Neighbors

Pinnacle Of Stupidity

In the end, cold was not the culprit.
(28 October 2019, Japan) "Hands are numb...but must operate smart phone," muttered 47-year-old Tedzu to his livestream audience as he skidded and stumbled up the snow-covered Shubashiri trail of Mount Fuji. "I wish I had brought heat packs," he lamented, and then he was heard to say, "Wait, I think I am slipping!"

62 miles west of Tokyo, iconic Mount Fuji is one of Japan's three holy mountains, a 12,389-foot volcanic summit visited by religious pilgrims, mountain climbers, and sightseers. The trek is cold and slippery even during the brief summer season, when amenity stations are staffed and available for the benefit of climbers. In the off-season, the stations are closed and mountain conditions are downright hostile and inhospitable. A winter climber needs the proper gear, climbing experience, and a booster pack of common sense.

Tedzu, alas, lacked all three.

Wearing street clothes suitable for a typical October day in Tokyo, and carrying nothing more than a pair of climbing poles, Tedzu fired up his smart phone and proceeded up the Shubashiri trail which, incidentally, most climbers use only for descent. Live-streaming for the Niconico video-sharing platform, he entitles his video "Let's Go to Snowy Mt. Fuji." In hindsight, the title implies that Tedzu considered "Snowy Mt. Fuji" as safe as a ski resort or Christmas tree farm. Viewers began tuning in, following his happy jaunt up the ash-covered trail. Ashes soon turned to snow, and then to deep snow. Tedzu's viewers were now being treated to a litany of complaints about cold numb hands and a bitter lack of hot packs. Those watching might have started to feel a bit badly for Tedzu.

This was a very good time for him to turn back and resume a life (key word) of relative anonymity. A turning point, as it were. But the urge to continue--perhaps motivated by reluctance to disappoint his viewers--encouraged Tedzu to trudge farther into obvious and imminent danger.

Continuing social media commentary as he juggles climbing poles and smart phone in his frostbitten mitts, Tedzu demonstrates a classic case of misplaced priorities when he states that despite numb extremities, he "MUST continue to operate" his livestream. His viewers no doubt notice that the trail has suddenly become narrower, the protective fence has ended, and he is perilously close to the brink. He has now passed the point of no return. There is absolutely nothing his viewers could do except tune out in disbelief, or perhaps place wagers amongst themselves on his odds of returning intact.

"'Oh, this place is slippery, getting dangerous," he belatedly notices, "I'm trying to walk by the rocks, yes, rocks. It's a steep downhill...!" Does his audience hear the reassuring sound of crampons gripping the ice as he continues past the end of the safety fence into uncertain territory? Of course not. He did not bring crampons

The slope at that point is 30 degrees, as anyone still watching could see. In his continued play-by-play march along an increasingly risky path, Tedzu frequently cautions himself against falling. Some of his viewers might have given a wry chuckle at his sudden realization of what he had gotten himself into. His inappropriate footwear now begins failing him as he trips and stumbles on. More than once, he asks himself whether he is "on the right track." Viewers already know the answer.

Astonishingly close to the summit for an amateur winter hiker, Tedzu at last utters the anticlimactic words, "Wait... I'm slipping!" Experienced Mount Fuji climbers say, "If you start slipping, you have ONE chance at self-arrest before it's too late." Even now, Tedzu might drop his phone and jab his climbing poles into the ground...! But, no. In an instant it becomes apparent that his smart phone is the more intelligent one. Still live-streaming away, Tedzu begins an uncontrolled slide down the rocky snowy slope. Viewers are treated to a spectacle of feet flailing and poles tumbling free. A few seconds later, the phone footage abruptly stops, the final chilling image shows a climbing pole frozen in mid-flight.

His viewers promptly alerted authorities. The 47-year-old's lifeless body was found the next day at an altitude of 9800 feet, 1000 meters away from where he began his fall. But for a little preparedness, the hero was lost. Gloves and crampons, and a sprinkle sense, was all Tedzu needed to create a spectacular livestream on the ascent of Japan's holy mountain, and he might have had another 47 years to relive and enjoy that experience. Watching the video, one can almost feel the "mind-numbing cold" Tedzu describes, but in the end, cold was not the culprit!

"Numb hands, numb brain."

ORIGINAL SUBMISSION

A Slack-Robatic Effort

(9 February 2020, Mount Gambier Australia) At midnight the phone rang for Police Inspector Campbell Hill. "What? Someone fell into the sinkhole??? Bloody hell. Better ring up the Fire Department. We will need their Rope Rescue Rig for this one."

Cave Gardens Sinkhole, the most magical spot in South Australia, is actually the cenote on the flanks of a dormant volcano. Located at the heart of the City of Mount Gambier, beautiful vines and roses cascade down its steep walls and a graceful waterfall adds to the natural beauty. A protective fence surrounds the sinkhole, and a lovely wrought iron platform extends over the precipice to offer a thrilling view of the cenote floor one hundred feet below.

"What do you mean they drained the pool?" - Rick Lotz, FB
"Bastard owes me a 20-spot. Told him he couldn't do it." - James Madison, FB

The Mayor said the sinkhole, a popular local and tourist attraction, was "a safe environment for many years, enjoyed by thousands of people." Inspector Hill may have muttered those same rueful words as he arrived before dawn on Sunday morning. The Fire Service had already rigged the Rope Rescue apparatus. Searchlights focused on the lifeless body of 20 year old Bradley Streeter, who was hoisted up and out of the sinkhole at 3:00 am.

Police investigation swiftly uncovered the events that led to his tragic tumble. Two facts were certain: Bradley died instantly at the scene, and foul play was ruled out. But when Inspector Hill was told of the specific reason for Bradley's death he could only stand dumbfounded. "He did WHAT???"

Unlucky, ya poor silly bastard. RIP. Likely all of us have done
some almighty stupid shit and lived to tell the tale. -Matthew Ice, FB

Bradley was a cheeky lad with a heart of gold, adventurous and mechanically talented, fond of four-wheelers and fishing, an aspiring mechanic with a side hustle selling car parts. He had a good future ahead of him, and was well-loved by family and friends in his small hometown five hours away from Mount Gambier. So Inspector Hill found it hard to accept what witnesses and first responders were telling him: Young Bradley did a midnight handstand on the viewing platform railing.

Yes. A handstand. Moments before midnight, Bradley was poised upside down on a rail a hundred feet above the dark cave floor. In a single moment, his proud alley-oop! became a disastrous alley-oops! as he lost balance and his trajectory took him down into the deep dark cenote. Friends were with Bradley the night he performed an "illegal handstand that resulted in his death."

"Bet he doesn't try that trick again!" - Lee Conkey, FB
"Gymnast Goes Off The Deep End. - Ignominious Awards

Handstands are fine at ground level, where a bump to the butt is the worst that can happen. But, add any amount of altitude and your chance of injury grows exponentially along with the force of gravity. The speed of an object in freefall doubles for each second it falls toward the earth. We editors at The Darwin Awards regretfully hand Bradley this Darwin Award, while wishing we could have talked sense into him before he did the deed.

ORIGINAL SUBMISSION

As Buried As The Treasure

(17 March 2020, Colorado) Michael Sexson, 58, read of a buried treasure in a book authored by an eccentric and controversial art dealer named Forrest Fenn. In The Thrill of the Chase, Fenn claims that he himself buried two million dollars worth of gold coins and other artifacts somewhere out in the Rocky Mountains, and gives "clues" throughout the book, hinting at its secret location in nine poetry verses.

Temptation was great for Michael. Although 350,000 others had gone looking for the buried box, no one is known to have found it; worse, four men died in the effort. Unlike the rest of them, however, Michael KNEW where the treasure was buried, based on his interpretation of the "clues" in the book...so he talked a 65-year-old acquaintance into joining him on a treasure hunt, and their quest for quick riches began.

In February of 2020, they headed to Dinosaur National Monument on the Colorado-Utah border. Michael was so certain he knew where the treasure was that neither he nor his colleague prepared for an overnight stay in the mountains, no doubt assuming that if they started early enough they would be home by sunset, two million dollars richer.

Well, Michael was wrong. They found no treasure, and they lost their bearings. Cold, hungry, and disoriented, the future looked grim for Michael and his friend. Shivering and close to death, they were fortunately found just in time by a search and rescue team who brought 'em down the mountain.

One would think that having survived such an experience, Michael would have learned better...but he did not. One month later, having sufficiently recovered, he set out for a second try!! Once more he sweet-talked the 65-year old colleague into joining him because, treasure! THIS time they would find it.

The unfolding COVID-19 epidemic had prompted intermittent closures of Dinosaur National Monument, and hikers were cautioned that difficult terrain should be avoided so first responders could remain safe in quarantine. But that didn't stop Michael. On Tuesday, March 17th, he left Denver with a few candy bars, two bottles of water, a copy of Fenn's book, and the clothes on his back.

Just outside the park, the two men rented snowmobiles and loaded them onto the bed of their pickup truck. The bemused rental agent watched the unprepared treasure hunters drive off towards the remote northwest boundary of the park, perhaps wondering how long the unlikely pair would last before they returned. After nightfall, the rental agent alerted local authorities.

The search began. On the morning of Friday the 20th, they found Michael's truck. On Saturday morning they found the abandoned snowmobiles, and saw that Michael and his friend had unwisely continued on foot. Saturday afternoon they located the two men about a mile from the snowmobiles, ironically at nearly the exact spot of the previous rescue a month earlier. Michael was brought back down the mountain, but this time in a body bag. His friend barely survived, and refuses to talk about their ordeal to this day.

In June of 2020, the treasure was rumored to have been finally discovered, but this word came from the author Forrest Fenn himself, and he has not provided any further details as of the time of this writing. Fenn's veracity has been questioned by, among others, the FBI, and several lawsuits have since been filed against him. Some speculate that the treasure, if it exists at all, consists of artifacts illegally harvested by Fenn; whatever the truth is, people will no doubt continue looking for the fabled treasure. If so, they had best proceed better prepared... or else find themselves in the same sorry predicament as Michael and the treasure trove... buried.

ORIGINAL SUBMISSION

Pilot Patrick's In-Flight Shower

(14 October 2015, Montana) The United States is a sizeable chunk of continental crust, yet people do purchase planes on the opposite coast because flying home is easy compared to driving. Just hop airports, refueling at each hop, until you arrive at your home airport.

Pilot Patrick, 52, was up to the task of hopping his new plane home. Licensed to fly commercial aircraft, Patrick had 10,000 hours of flight time and an instructor certificate. But during the first two take-off climbs, aviation fuel (100-octane gas) had entered the cockpit and sloshed around his feet!

At the third airport in Missoula, the pilot called a mechanic familiar with the airplane, and discussed the issue of the fuel leakage, The pilot told this mechanic that he had someone inspect the fuel system, and they did not find anything wrong. The mechanic however wasn't buying it. Reasonably enough, he or she recommended NOT FLYING until the issue--a fuel venting problem--was resolved.

But did the pilot listen? Sometimes familiarity breeds contempt. This experienced pilot overruled the mechanic's recommendation and said he would fly the plane anyway, but as a concession to safety he would fly with the electrical system offline. This is referred to as flying 'in the dark' with no instruments. Patrick's decision is especially baffling because the aircraft was newly purchased and its trustworthiness not yet established.

To put the situation in plain English: During every takeoff the cockpit got a shower of aviation fuel, yet Patrick had to ask if that was bad. Told in no uncertain terms to STOP FLYING THE AIRCRAFT. his response was, essentially, "I got this." And that chap who supposedly checked the fuel system? Invented. A ruse, to convince the mechanic all was well.

Subsequently the aircraft took off from Missoula International Airport but made a sudden swift turn and crashed, exploding into a fireball. The NTSB report states, "The pilot was [likely] distracted by fuel entering the cockpit and failed to maintain adequate airspeed as he returned to the airport to rectify the [fuel] problem resulting in an aerodynamic stall/spin."

Full of experience, empty of common sense, Darwin Award Winner for good and sufficient cause: Pilot Patrick! We salute you.

ORIGINAL SUBMISSION

Maine Man Boffed By Booby-Trap

(28 November 2019, Maine) Ronald Cyr, 65, was shot dead on Thanksgiving evening in the rural town of Van Buren. Upon investigation, it was determined that the shooter was none other than Ronald Cyr himself.

To protect his family jewelry, this Maine coon decided on a DIY approach. Recalling his childhood, when a loose tooth was tied to a doorknob and he was told by Papa, "When I slam this door that tooth will shoot out of your mouth like a bullet!" our man rigged a handgun trigger to pull when the door was opened - by unauthorized personnel, natch.

This and other booby traps were installed about the property with the confidence of an idiot savant. Imagine the harm that could befall an unwitting visitor to this Maine home on the Canada border.

Thankfully no harm came to random passers by, because it was the homeowner himself who accidentally triggered the discharge of the jury-rigged home protection bullet that ended his life. Darwin Award Winner #932 We Salute You!

Two Texans Die Trying

(24 May 2019, Louisiana) Like ill-fated Madame Curie, may their experiment be a warning to you, my friend. South of Lake Charles, Black Bayou Drawbridge was CLOSED to cars and OPEN to boats. Evidentially this was an irresistible Friday Night challenge to Texas Man (32) and Texas Man Two (aged 23).

The Chevy Cruze stopped on Black Bayou Bridge, and a Texas Man emerged and PUSHED UP the safety gate for the DRAWBRIDGE !!! His second mistake was to JUMP BACK IN as the driver accelerated rapidly up the open drawbridge ramp, thinking, "Shoot the gap!"

You cannot live long if the road's IQ is higher than your own. In this IQ test, our Double Darwin winners failed; indeed they set a new low. Because these Texas Men--unlike the Blues Brothers--lacked "Cop Tires. Cop Engine. Cop Suspension, and a Mission From God."

A witness observed a passenger emerge and push up the arm of the safety gate, then get back in while the driver backed up a bit and accelerated hard over the dra-bridge edge. Over the bridge and through the waves, our DOUBLE DARWIN WINNERS paved new ground, and demonstrating a new "dead end" leading off the path of evolution.

The Shoot-The-Gap tragedy happened at 2AM. The car sank from sight, and it was no easy task to locate the wreck. Louisiana state police divers eventually located and lifted the vehicle with pontoons and recovered two drowned bodies from the Black Bayou. Identities are identified in this CNN News article.

Double Darwin - a twofer! Take heed, and practice patience on the drawbridges of life.

Rhino Poacher Killed By Elephant

(April 2019, South Africa) It makes a funny headline, but it's no laughing matter. The elephant-trampled and lion-digested poacher had illegally crept into a national park with murder in mind, for there is money to be made from a rhino's horn and therefore poachers hunt and kill these big, beautiful animals.

Poor Rhino, sad victim of the human greed for money. Some rhinoceros species suffered recent extinctions and all species are endangered. Trashing our irreplaceable planetary home is a Darwin Award in-the-making for doomed mankind, stupid sapiens.

HUMAN EXTINCTION? Bring it on.

Humans are turning this planet into a bloodthirsty abattoir as we slaughter species after species for no good reason. The killing of rhinoceros is especially barbarous. According to the New York Times article, the target animal is drugged until it can't move, then the horn is hacked off an innocent face and the large mammal is left to bleed to death in agony and fear.

Hey! You rhinoceros-buying barbarian! That money you spend on rhino horn profits criminals who are slaughtering our beloved animal relatives.

I, for one, applaud the Elephants and Lions who cry out for justice.

Boomerang Drone Zone

(May 2019, Iraq) A Weaponized Drone Incident is the source of many good laughs among British Troops and keeps morale high. They hope that publicizing it will serve as a deterrent to ISIS insurgents.

An ISIS fighter in Iraq was killed by the drone s/he launched to attack UK Troops based near Mosul. A UK security source reported, "This idiot wired up a drone with explosives, but was killed when the batteries ran low and the drone flew home," detonating over the ISIS fighter's head with fatal consequences.

ISIS is seen by the West as an insurgent horde attempting to return the medieval Islamic Caliphate to Iraq and other areas of the Middle East. Western military superiority vastly eclipses ISIS' improvised weaponry, ingeniously assembled from low cost consumer items.

For instance, they wire up drones with C5 explosives and detonate them above coalition forces. But the tables turned when, unbeknownst to them, they purchased drones pre-programmed to return to base in the event of a low battery.

Drones have been around for a hundred years. UNMANNED experimental aircraft took flight in World War I, and the first QUADROCOPTER 'soared to success' in 1923. These were developed by the US Military Forces, and ridiculously, prohibitively expensive for consumers.

But miniaturization technology evolved and lowered the pony ante to an attractive consumer price point. In early 2000, ordinary people were lofting the drones to capture impressive && monumentally spectacular photos from angles hitherto unattainable - how exciting it was to soar like a bird! Drones now range from palm-sized to beefy models with big payloads and advanced maneuverability.

Sadly, hobby drones are often lost. Crashing in an inaccessible crevice due to low batteries... such a downer. Drone users become sorrowful about losing their Precious, and in response manufacturers upped their offerings to include a back-to-base safety feature.
---
Truthy? or Bogus? Weigh in, dear reader, authentic? It is NOT debunked on Snopes.com but The Sun (hm) is the sole reference, no specific date or name is quoted, and ironically this was published on 9/11/19 by "Truman Tribune." Perhaps the tale is a synthesis of true events. Urban Legend or Darwin Award?

The Missionary Position

World Explorer or Christian Martyr? The most isolated tribe on Earth kills Selfie Seeker

(14 November 2018, Andaman Islands, India) John Allen Chau, a self proclaimed world explorer inspired by Livingston and Jesus, was killed by the very tribe of natives he was offering eternal life. According to the BBC in Delhi, Chau bribed six fishermen to ferry him to the off-limits island so he could offer the Sentinelese tribe gifts of scissors, a soccer ball, and Jesus.

In a letter he wrote to his family, this Vancouver resident and Alabama native said he wanted to make contact with the 60,000 year old tribe because "The eternal [life] of this [Sentinelese] tribe is at hand."

He paddled to the island in a kayak and was immediately "attacked by arrows but continued walking," stated the global news agency AFP. The fishermen then witnessed the natives "tying a rope around his neck and dragging his body" along the shore. They were clearly rejecting his gifts.

The tribe, the most isolated on earth, has taken a well documented, zero tolerance approach to visitors since a British occupation almost wiped them out during the 1800's. It's no surprise Chau's remains remain unrecovered.

Was he a martyr as friends claim on Instagram? a missionary according to his parents? or just a selfish selfie seeker? or a genocidal maniac bringing the tribe life threatening disease, as his bible quote from Revelations 7 indicates? He said he wanted to "see them around the throne of God worshiping in their own language as Revelation 7:9-10 states." We'll never truly know the answer, since the tribe doesn't seem to have updated their social media accounts in quite some time.

John Chau's Instagram Account

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Wacky Welder

(3 September 2018, New Zealand) Sometimes the fastest method results in the deadliest outcome. The tale of Howard Miller, 39, professional welder and Darwin Award Winner, illustrates the pitfalls of ignoring high school chemistry with a time-saving invention.

Always helpful, Miller spent his last moments helping a friend weld an exhaust pipe onto a classic Holden Kingswood sedan. He arrived at the garage shed with an experimental welding kit: an LPG bottle, similar to a propane tank, in which he had mixed both components that make up oxy-acetylene welding gas: acetylene and oxygen.

Now, that last detail should send a shiver down any welder's spine! Professional welders know that these components are kept in separate tanks because, when combined, they burn hot enough to cut metal. A tank of mixed acetylene/oxygen + no flow regulator = an accident waiting to happen.

Like a scene from Breaking Bad, Mr. Miller had unwittingly constructed a lethal explosive!

Once Miller unveiled his jury-rigged device, his friend regognized this dangerous equation and repeatedly warned that it was crazy! Finally he high-tailed it out of the shed while Miller, undeterred by a bit of panic, attachec a torch head straight onto the bottle and lit the welding tip.

Sans regulator, the flame crept back into the bottle and the inevitable explosion flattened the shed, which also contained about twenty litres of paint thinner and gasoline. The force of the explosion was so intense it shattered the windows of neighboring properties.

Needless to say, the friend is in need a new car.

The deceased winner, a gentle and generous man, would surely be grateful to know that no one else was hurt in the fracas. And as a consolation prize, his tragic experiment will benefit others by demonstrating a potential consequence of skipping chemistry class.

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Mind The Cone Zone

(8 March 2018, New Jersey) A Wanaquer man died in a vehicle fire after he drove around barricade cones and onto live power wires in Franklin Lakes. A good son, Anthony G. was en-route to his father's house to shovel the driveway.

After the second nor'easter storm in a week, hundreds of thousands were left without power. Utility crews worked overtime to deal with downed trees and electric lines. Traffic snarls and frustrated motorists were everywhere.

Anthony did not want to lose time to a detour! According to police, our winner simply navigated around bright orange traffic cones warning motorists of a hazardous downed wire on Route 208.

Responding to calls, officers arrived at 9AM to find the vehicle fully engulfed in flames. A live power line was sputtering in the roadway near the vehicle. The fire totally gutted the car, and the driver was pronounced dead at the scene. Ironically this Darwin Award winner was employed as a New York City electrician.

ORIGINAL SUBMISSION

Focus On The Bear

(5 May 2018, Odisha, India) Driving home from a wedding, Prabhu Bhatara idled the car on the roadside to relieve himself in the woods. From a squatting position he spied an INJURED bear--but instead of calling the authorities to help the bear, he opted to get a #selfie with the distressed animal.

Meanwhile, instead of intervening, the passengers in his car pulled out their mobiles and filmed the carnage...

As he neared the bear, the passengers advised him against his plan. Mr. Bhatara, however, was determined to fulfill his selfie mission. Once he was within reaching distance, though, the bear was not as injured as it seemed (or it was just having a bad hair day) and lunged forward, pinning Mr. Bhatara to the ground, "killing him on the spot," according to Forest ranger Dhanurjaya Mohapatra.

Then, perhaps disgusted at this epic display of homo-sapien apathy, a stray dog joined the fray in an attempt to save the man, and tried to fight off the bear! The bear, however, seemed to believe that the world had one too many selfie-seeking humans and finished off poor Mr. Bhatara.

According to media reports, once the body was retrieved, forest officials treated the bear for its injuries. The dog, although probably still disgusted, was unharmed.

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YouTUBE Video of Bear Foo Carnage

Dead On Valentines Day

Karmic Valentine Schadenfreude
"He who cannot put his thoughts on ice should not enter into the heat of dispute." -Friedrich Nietzsche

(14 February 2018, Berlin) A 19-year-old and his soon-to-be-ex were walking along the beautiful Havel River, quarreling. Unable to win his conversational point, the frustrated man suddenly shoved the woman into the icy river, jumping in to push her under again and again!

But she could swim. He could not...

She swam safely to land and quickly recovered from hypothermia. He sank and lost consciousness in the 2°C waters, forever forgetting the quarrel, and was pulled out by water police and transported to Charité Virchow Clinic in Berlin. The attacker fell into a carceral coma, and an arrest warrant was issued against him for "attempted homicide for low motives" (in German, "Versuchten Heimtückemordes aus niederen Beweggründen.")

The crime was committed on December 19th, and the perpetrator died on February 14th--an ironic date indeed--from irreversible brain damage.

Usually no Darwin Award is granted when an innocent bystander is injured. In this case we make a rare exception, because the woman fully recovered (and is perforce better off without this madman) while the diabolical and drowned deed-doer was Darwinian-dumb.

Discuss at our PHILOSOPHY FORUM, on TWITTER, on FACEBOOK, on Reddit
LINK TO THIS STORY: http://bit.ly/LoveSinks

Reader Comments
"He needed to chill." -J.A.Z.Pérez
"I can't help but wonder the reason of the quarreling..." -R.Solis
"...she wanted to join a synchronized swimming team." -J.A.Z.Pérez
"You can't fix stupid but you can watch it self-destruct now and then." G.Windle

A Gun Named 'Lorena'

Good Guy With a Gun Defends Our Species

(27 Nov 2018, Arizona) The Buckeye Police Department reports that a man accidentally shot his own sausage while shopping in the meat aisle at Walmart. Arizona law does not require a permit (nor a holster for that matter) to carry a firearm, so our hero felt free to carry his piece "commando-style" (unholstered) beneath his waistband. When the unholstered gun drifted down into his jeans, he reached in and pulled the trigger while repositioning his weapon. This loose cannon's low hanging fruit didn’t have a chance. Firearm supporters can add this event to the arsenal of ammunition against gun control. Guns really do make a difference.

Darwin Award? Odds are, our gun nut (pun intended) shredded his ability to breed and wins the uncommon Living Darwin Award: still alive but unable to reproduce. Otherwise, his reward is an Honorable Mention -- "better luck next time." We await further information.

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Reader Puns
"His gun was named 'Lorena'." -P.Lines
"So he went off half-cocked?" -J.Petry
"Fresh sausage half off!" -P.Hall
"The guy is now a gun nut without nuts. Hopefully he'll come to enjoy the catheter." -G.Ely
"After this he will be definitely shooting blanks." -I.Titi
"His barrel was shortened that day." -A.Yuan
"Friends call him 'snubnose' now."
"He's not half the man he used to be." -D.Webb
"Clean up on Aisle 4." -M.Miller

Reticulated Python

(28 January 2018, Selangor Malaysia) Zaim Kosnan spotted a twelve-foot reticulated python dozing on the side of the road. "That sizeable snake is worth money!" The 35-year-old prepared for this windfall with gloves and a sickle.

Sweet success! Swiftly was the first round won, and triumphantly Zaim held the reptile's head high as he transported it home by motorbike. Picture that crazy scene.

Swinging in the air, the displeased captive made a counter-move and wrapped its body round and round its captor, constricting in self-defense. Zaim swerved off the road and the results of Round Two became apparent to passers-by the next morning. They killed The 3.5 meter snake to free the man's body, and a post-mortem confirmed his death by strangulation.

Zaim Khalis was described as a quiet person who kept to himself.

ORIGINAL SUBMISSION

Abu Hamam

(30 January 2018, Gaza) A sexagenarian was examining his personal weapon in his home when he inadvertently discharged it into his face! Twenty-one days after accidentally shooting himself, Abu Hamam, 62, succumbed to the self-inflicted head-bang and died clutching a Darwin Award. But, who is Abu Hamam?

Abu is known to the world as Imad al-Alami, a founding member of Hamas, a militant group that has been the de facto governing authority of the Gaza Strip since 2007. Mr Alami served as Hamas' main envoy to Iran, a military and financial backer, during several wars with Israel. Although declared a specially designated global terrorist by the United States, in recent years Abu Hamam was a key negotiator in Hamas ceasefire talks with Israel, and in the 2011 release of a captured Israeli soldier.

"Hamas was Abu Hamam and Abu Hamam was Hamas," said Hamas Politburo Chief Haniyeh. One would assume that a senior member of Hamas knows how to handle a gun--yet Abu's incautious "personal weapons inspection" was unexpectedly daft. This Darwin Award's for you, Mr. Alami.

GEOcaching Out!

(9 June 2018, Czech Republic) Meteorology showed storms and torrential rains coming. But (4) geo-cachers were not wavering at this Waypoint. Weather did not stall their descent into a dark, dank underground tunnel with Mystery on their minds.

Motolský Brook entrance is not ominous on a sunny day. But take a look at THIS image of the tunnel. In a rainstorm, would YOU walk down THAT surging creek and disappear into THAT dark hole?

Knowing that they did just that, Can you suppose these four are innocent of terminal stupidity?

"If rains, no drains."

The safety motto was ignored. While they prowled underground seeking geo Souvenir, a large wave—a gigantic wave surged through the channel and washed two survivors all the way to the Vltava River near Prague!

Two lucky-duck Geo-seekers were somehow saved from a tragic fate. But two were less fortunate. The 27-year-old female was discovered beneath the Jirasek Bridge, drowned. A fourth male member of the party has, sadly, not been located. For them, folly led to fatality.

Complicating the search for the missing body is the fact that mobile is hopeless in the underground channel. Soil blocks signal, and there are no transmitters installed in the culvert to carry the signal.

Info About Geocaching
ORIGINAL SUBMISSION

Road-Rage-Aholics

(20 February 2018, Poland) Darwin Double! After a road collision near Stary Krzew, two men emerged from their damaged cars and began arguing. The argument grew into a physical fight...then shrank down to bloodstains on the asphalt when the men lurched into the adjacent lane of traffic. A lorry weighed in on the fight, permanently terminating the road-rage between a 29-year-old from Krakow and a 40-year-old from Zambrów,

Victims of their own aggression, the men are Poster Children for Meditation Outreach.

Booze Cruise Loser

Boston friends fondly confess that there ARE Booze Cruises. It's a thing. But for Aaron D., it's a thing of the past...

(8 September 2018, Massachusetts) An evening Booze Cruise in Boston Harbor led to the death of a 21-year-old man who was performing handstands on the railing of the ferry. Ordered to "stand down" from the rail by crew, acrobatic Aaron Dibella sneaked back up as soon as the crew turned their backs. He was performing a maneuver described as "a type of vertical pushup" when his hands faltered and he toppled overboard into the Boston Harbor.

Perhaps he could not swim? The crew snapped into action, focused a spotlight on Aaron, tossed him a life preserver, leapt into the harbor and swam to within five feet of the booze-cruiser... but sadly he sank before they could snag him. Coast Guard spokesperson Nicole Groll said, "We launched all our assets" upon receiving the report of a person overboard, but to little avail. His body was found by divers three hours later.

Young men feel immortal. They show off their physical prowess with rousing confidence. Unfortunately their human mortality is all too real. May this be a caution to others to reign in the confidence that leads to catastrioge. There is a joke here about sperm and swimmers, but I can't find it.

RIP Aaron Dibella.

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ORIGINAL SUBMISSION

Darwin Award Shorts - Old Folks Reunion

MARCH 2018, BIRMINGHAM ENGLAND || Man suffers a fatal heart attack after getting his head stuck beneath an electric footrest at the cinema while retrieving his cellphone from the floor. DISCLAIMER: The perp died six days later, in the hospital. Reference_1

APRIL 2018, GERMANY || A 71-year-old woman smoking outside a hospital died from third-degree burns after her oxygen ventilator ignited, setting fire to the plastic upholstery of her wheelchair. Reference_2 Reference_3

MARCH 2018, ROMANIA || A 50-year-old man was hospitalized Saturday after taking home a projectile he found on the field outside his village, and pounding it with a hammer, causing an explosion. HONORABLE MENTION! Reference_4 Reference_5

Killer Whalebone

(6 November 1816, New York) Historic Darwin Award. A Founding Father of the United States, Gouverneur Morris was a signatory to the Articles of Confederation and the United States Constitution. He wrote the Preamble to the Constitution and has been called the "Penman of the Constitution." This intelligent and influential man died in New York City from an infection caused by shoving a whalebone into his urethra to clear a blockage!

The flexible catheter was invented in 1752 by Benjamin Franklin to help his brother who suffered from bladder stones, and Ben cited a 1720s inventor. Flexible catheters were evidently common in medical use, so our historic Darwin Award winner should have known to GO SEE A DOCTOR! The prominent American statesman was buried at St. Ann's Church in The Bronx.

Reference: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gouverneur_Morris
Facebook Discussion and Tweet-stream

Reader Comments
"An unfortunate victim of cock block." -P.Hornzz
"A sperm whale bone?" T.Silver
"No, a killer whale bone." -M.Hilde
"Not qualified, he already had passed on his genes to his son." T.Steinhart
"He might have had more kids later on." -G.Gravier
"That's what he gets for boning himself." -J.Leeper
"Penman Of The Constitution? Pene-man, more like it." L.Grosfield
"a good joke here involving the word 'whale' in place of 'well,' boners, blowholes, or pee..." -A.Gramarye
"This is taking Moby Dick to a whole new level." -M.L.McKay
"This happeded before publication of Charles Darwin's Origin Of Species."

ORIGINAL SUBMISSION

Lovestruck Louis III

(5 August 882, France) A powerful ruler is not immune to the consequences of his actions. Over 1,000 years ago, Louis III ruled West Francia for three short years--a brief reign marked by military success. King Louie conquered new tracts of territory, and he defeated Viking raiders, but alas! Despite amazing success, amazing loss soon followed.

On a fine autumn day in Saint-Denis, France, the king glimpsed a beautiful woman he needed to woo and pursue. On horseback he chased her! Clearly not seeing where he was headed, he whacked his royal skull on an innocent door lintel. The coup d'état, a fatal blow! His cranium fractured, King Louis III died to teach us an important life lesson.

Be careful!! When blindly following innate desires, the world can "crash down upon your head" in the space of one overzealous woo.

Reader Comments:
"While chasing a dress through an egress, duck your head or end up dead." J.Leeper
"When it comes to hormones, the brain takes a back seat." -E. Pawlicki
"The woman considered it an Act of God..."E.Vann Moon
"Woo, Pursue, Head Flew" W.Northcutt
"The original Headless Horseman." -J.McGregor

Fumble Tumble

(18 December 2018. Maryland). Like a plot out of Sherlock Holmes, officials found a dead body mysteriously crumpled at the bottom of an UP-escalator at an Amtrak station at the New Carrollton stop at 2AM.

Perplexed and with no eccentric fictional detective to call, officials did the next best thing. They watched the CCTV cameras. The footage showed the man running UP the DOWN escalator shortly after midnight. When he reached the top, no doubt out of breath, he lost his balance and tumbled backward, falling all the way down the moving stairs and hitting his head smartly at the bottom.

The Darwin Awards editors love to run up the down escalator. Even more fun is running down the up escalator. Remember when Mom told you to stop horsing around on the escalators? Well, you do now!

Pieces of clothing were found stuck in the escalator when news crews arrived on the scene, and fabric may have been a factor in the fumble. The death did not impact train service, and no trains were running at the time of the tumble.

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Mammoth Morons

Today's Group Darwin Award is for the males of the Woolly Mammoth species, Mammuthus primigenius, an elephant species extinct for about 10,000 years... in part due to the males' penchant for fossilization.

In the normal course of events a mammoth corpse is not preserved, yet a minority find themselves wedged in glacial ice, swallowed by sinkholes, taffy-footed in a tar seep, or covered over by mud. And those peculiarly preserved pachyderms are mostly males. Multiple causes of the extinction are likely, yet the tendency of males to wander away from the herd and win Darwin Awards cannot have improved the species' survival odds.

Swedish mammoth-ologist Love Dalén reported in Current Biology that 70% of about 100 woolly mammoth remains sexed by his resesarch team were male. "In many species, males tend to do somewhat stupid things that end up getting them killed in silly ways," the author confided. His journal article cited another study of 14 South Dakota mammoths -- of which 13 were males!

Natural traps have a fatal fascination for the boys, which leaves the female elephants dumbfounded and presumably grateful for a matriarchal society.

The animals vanished so recently that people can eat mammoth meat pulled from the Arctic refrigerator. If the extinct mammoth is resurrected through the alchemy of modern biology, how long can the mammoth species survive before their male members steer the species back into extinction?

THOUGHTFUL MAMMOTH DISCUSSION -- Visit Darwin's Philosophy Forum!

A Mammoth Genomic Meltdown

Bag-atelle

(22 July 2018, New South Wales AU) The ban on shopping bags has taken a terrible toll. A 58-year-old woman was run over by her Mazda CX7 after she pulled over to check whether the grocery bags were in the trunk. The car, evidently not secured by the parking brake, ambled backwards along Ambleside Drive in Castle Hill and killed the wee woman. A little mistake, a mere bagatelle, caused such a tragedy! News reports failed to reveal whether shopping bags were, in fact, inside the vehicle.

Not A Darwin Winner

(9 July 2018, Pennsylvania) A deadly game of hide-and-seek with a bulldozer happened after a county maintenance worker discovered a dozen hidden pot plants and called police. The vice squad arrived at the stinky weed garden and one of the suspects surrendered immediately, but the other, Gregory Longenecker, took off running.

The vice officer hopped onto the 'dozer with the maintenance worker and, assisted by helicopter surveillance, began to 'doze through the shrubbery. THIS INCIDENT IS NOT A DARWIN AWARD AND HERE'S WHY. Evading capture by hiding in thick underbrush might be foolish, but no one expects a bulldozer search.

Search efforts failed to root out the man, so the vice officer halted the earth-moving machine and hopped off to scan the area. That is when the male suspect was discovered laying dead on the ground behind the bulldozer.

DOZED TO DEATH was nominated for a Darwin Award but after reviewing the facts and fan protests, we have come to the conclusion that it was not Mr. Longenecker's fault that he was crushed in this repulsive and unexpected homicide. The suspect was unarmed. The brush was impassable so he could not run far. And the crime of which Mr. Longenecker was suspected was growing a plant.

For more information please read this worthy article at theFreeThoughtProject.

ORIGINAL SUBMISSION

Red Evolution

(2017, Russia) A welder is in the evolutionary spotlight today. Vargas (pseudonym) worked for The Enterprise for the Construction, Repair and Maintenance of Highways in Tselinnoe when he noticed how well a fire extinguisher fits into a decommissioned artillery howitzer. Inspired, he stuffed the fire extingusher down the barrel...

Trained to use the elemental powers of hot plasma, welders are normally not daredevils but Vargus was determined to prove the old adage, 'There are old welders and bold welders but there are no old, bold welders.' He charged the cannon with calcium carbide and water, a reactive combination that produces acetylene welding gas...

The abused fire extinguisher exploded from the howitzer cannon, and pieces of the payload brained the welder--whose head was conveniently located in the ballistic trajectory of the shrapnel. In a fight between shrapnel and an empty skull, shrapnel wins.

This brilliantly executed Darwin Award fatality was reported on the State Labor Inspection website. I refer readers with questions to that document, as machine translations from Russian to English leave much to be desired.

ORIGINAL SUBMISSION

Steamy Buns

(25 October 2017, Malaysia) A spiritual magician died after accidentally steaming himself to death in a stainless steel wok while performing a ritual to 'cleanse body and soul.' Mr. Lim Ba, known professionally as Black Dog, had been performing human steaming for more than a decade despite family objections.

The 68-year-old guru sat in lotus position in the giant stainless steel steamer and rice, sweet corn, and vegetarian buns were placed alongside to also be steamed. 'Black Dog' clasped his hands in prayer as the lid was lowered over him and a fire was lit under the wok. "They really lit a fire under his buns."

But after thirty minutes this steamy scenario went wrong! Devotees heard the magician knocking frantically from inside the steamer. The lid was raised and Lim was found unconscious, steam billowing around him. Suffering from major second-degree burns, the man died of a heart attack.

The incident occurred at a temple in Kuala Sanglang, a small coastal village in northern Malaysia.

ORIGINAL SUBMISSION

Amphetamines And Aerobatics

(17 November 2017, Florida) "Flying ICON-A5 low over the water is like flying a fighter jet!" tweeted Roy Halladay to numerous followers on the maiden flight of his brand-new Amphibious Sports Plane. One follower tweeted, "Roy please be careful...!" Four weeks later, the baseball hall-of-famer was killed in a nose-dive into the Gulf of Mexico.

Roy's illustrious career in professional sports did not qualify him as a fighter pilot, nor is the ICON-A5 a fighter jet. Sporty-looking on the outside, inside the plane is similar to a 1912 Curtiss Model F. Powered by a pusher propeller, and meant for level recreational flying, the A5 has one main advantage over the 1912 Curtiss: the wings are detachable for ease of transport.

The ICON-A5 is classified as a Light Sports Plane, and designed to take advantage of FAA regulations that recently created the category of Sports Pilot. A Sports Pilot certification requires less rigorous training, but a Sports Pilot is subject to considerably more restrictions than a regular pilot.

Because the ICON-A5 is so compact, it packs more power. But does that mean to go ahead and fly through a canyon at top speed, ala Luke Skywalker? NO! The Lead Engineer of IKON-A5 and the Director Of Engineering both perished in a crash on May 8, 2017, when the engineer attempted to maneuver at top speed down a narrow canyon. Because of that notorious tragedy, A5 pilots are acutely aware of its limitations.

"Roy, please be careful...!"

Roy Halliday's fateful Friday morning began early. He towed the ICON-A5 to a Florida beach and began working on a pre-flight checklist that included attaching the wings, ingesting alcohol, and downing a drug combination commonly referred to as a 'speedball.' A career in sports MIGHT justify a morphine prescription to quell the pain of cumulative injuries. But if a dose of morphine is needed, why choose mixers such as alcohol, amphetamines, and sleeping pills? After hitting that grand slam, a body is better off lying on the beach counting clouds rather than flying amongst them.

Checklist completed! Hepped up and ready for takeoff! Halladay was soon flying high-as-a-kite over the Gulf of Mexico with the throttle firewalled. Scare-o-batics began: steep banking climbs, sudden rivet-popping dives, pulling out of the dive a mere 5-10 feet over the water's surface.

As previously established, these antics exceeded the design of the small aircraft, and soon caught the attention of fishermen and recreational boaters. Some pulled out smart phones and recorded Halladay's high jinks, fearing that tricks would lead to tragedy.

Considering the pre-flight cocktail of alcohol, amphetamines, morphine, and Zolpidem, the phrases "feeling no pain" and "liquid courage" come to mind. Roy felt like a Top Gun, but his overloaded nervous system was Top Gunk! Some 15 minutes after takeoff, he entered his final maneuver -- a steep, turning climb that caused the speed to suddenly drop. One of the wings stalled, inducing an inverted spin, and the crate cratered the water at a 45 degree angle upside down.

According to the autopsy, Halladay perished by drowning. To the deep and lasting sadness of his family, his friends, and his fans, Roy wasn't careful.

ORIGINAL SUBMISSION

Forklift Around And Find Out

"Stack Attack!"
"A stacked rack, a broken back."
"Don't fork around with pallets."
"He got 'forked up' in more ways than one."

(August 2017, Japan) Logistics was uppermost in the mind of a warehouse employee of Tanarumono Logistics. The worker needed to change a light bulb ten meters overhead. The forklift could only reach 2.5 meters, clearly not close enough. Lets express this as a math problem:

If a person can reach a light fixture 2 meters overhead — and wants to replace a lightbulb 10 meters overhead — how many 15-cm wood pallets must be stacked onto a 2.5 meter forklift platform, to enable the person to reach the burnt bulb?

The answer is 37.

"Let There Be Light!"
Perched on this rickety wooden wonder, the 40-year-old convinced a colleague to forklift them to the ceiling. Anyone experienced with a haphazard construction of pallets can identify the problem with this cunning plan. The rickety stack collapsed.

Our unfortunate winner died in the wreckage, ironically reaching "a higher plane" than anticipated. This intrepid logistics escapade earns the 'former employee' a Darwin Award for a heroic effort to 'reach the light' with the tools at hand.

Title Suggestions - From Readers
"An Unpalatable Death" -Wendy
"Don't fork around with pallets." -D.Dixon
"Stack Attack" -J.Bracki
"He got 'forked up' in more ways than one." -Anon
"A stacked rack and a broken back" -A.Witham
"Even The Odds Were Stacked Against Him" -C.H.Bell
"Jenga Difficultly Level: 10" -S.S.Weir
"Pallatative Care" -A.Foss
"One pallet more and he would have stood an even chance." -T.Pegler
"Deadly Jenga... Just ONE More." J.A,Z.Pérez and D.S.Medlock

"Very foolish. If a forklift can lift you 2.5m, then the sensible solution is to stack four forklifts on top of each other." -R.How

"skidmark" -B.Evans
"Unpalletable death!" -P.Crusse;;
"A bad taste on his pallet." -M.NRory
"How do you say 'hold my beer' in Japanese?" -B.Stewart

"How did he die? He asked his colleague to drive in circles in order to screw in the new bulb." -F.Gobbi

Grim Roofer

(March 2017, England) What's that smell? A burglar removed a few roofing shingles and climbed into the roof of a chemist shop in Queensbury. On his way down, the man became stuck and was strangled by his own clothes. The asphyxiated pill seeker was found several weeks later and well into decomposition.

Snapchat Prat

(27 July 2017, Singapore) In a new twist on, "Hold my beer and watch this!" a teen handed Snapchat to a friend and with a whoop of glee he leapt over a foot-bridge railing, intending to land dramatically on a parapet below. Unknown to the teen or his filming friend, the seemingly solid shade was flimsy gypsum board and he crashed right through, falling four floors to his death.

The Snapchat phenomenon is extending the e-trend of paying inadequate attention to one's physical surroundings, and the act earns a Darwin Award indeed. We are saddened by the death of this young and personable student, but our sadness would do disservice to the deceased if it caused us to hush up his fatal prank. State Coroner Marvin Bay agrees, stating that "Mr. Chow's sad demise should serve as a cautionary tale for individuals who are disposed to off-route in public spaces.

Jonathan, you're a winner!"

"We were window shopping for clothes at the mall
when he came up with the stunt," said his friend,
"I was just like a female version of him."

ORIGINAL SUBMISSION

Backseat Drivers

Double Darwin Award winners redefine 'Backseat Driving.'

(June 2017, Russia) In a tale of Russian intelligence--or lack thereof--an amorous couple died while procreating in the back seat of their Russian-made Niva SUV situated near a beautiful lake. "Situated" rather than "parked" because the vehicle transmission was in neutral. The rocking motions of the passengers, Mr. Chernov and Ms. Kryuchkova, caused the small SUV to roll into the lake and below the waterline, whereupon the 22-yar-old man and woman were drowned.

Reader Comments: "It's Russia, no telling how much vodka was involved."
"Rock-A-Bye-Bye-Bye" -Richard B.
"Back Seat Divers" Kal D-
"Did the car move for you?" -Bruce O
"Russian Rollette" -Sonia B
"Going Down In The Back Seat" .Mickey Mc
"Water way to go!" -Steve B

ORIGINAL SUBMISSION

#ElephantsWantPrivacy

(18 February 2017, Zimbabwe) Three male humans, three male elephants, and a dream of a perfect wildlife selfie combine to win to the first 2017 Darwin Award! In the town of Plumtree in southwestern Zimbabwe, Mr. Moses Ndlovu spotted three elephants in the bush. "Shrubbery! This will not do," he thought, and he and two friends began to drive the three male elephants into a clearing. The elephants cooperated, in a fashion.

A large bull elephant and two younger males came charging out of the shrubbery and headed for the provoking men! It was time to test the old truism, "I don't have to outrun that elephant, I just have to outrun you" The men took off running, each frantic to save his own hide. Moses, lagging behind, was trampled to death by the angry bull while his friends escaped.

The entire blunder was a pointless waste of time for man and beast. I am sorry you are dead, Moses Ndlovu, but what were you thinking? As a consolation, your lamentable death serves as a warning to others: #ElephantsWantPrivacy

---

IRONY FLASH. AndyM and DebRS pointed out that the surname Ndolvu, common in subtribes in Zimbabwe, Zambia, and Malawi, means 'elephant' in the Xhosa language. in Zulu 'indlovu' means 'white elephant.

Reader Comments:
Pat Rick: "Dumbo Trampled Dumbo"
Wendy: "Brings new meaning to 'The Human Race.'"
YogiP: "Beast Mode on."

Dwayne: "Wait! This cannot be! Mr. Moses Ndlovu just sent me an email promising to send 5,000,000 if I help..."

JoeV: "He forgot to type in IDDQD and IDKFA." (A cheat code used in Doom to enable god mode.)

AllenG: "UnbelivaBULL! It was undeniaBULL what the outcome was going to be, it's laughaBULL!"

CarlaS: "He probably ran up on them in 'must'. As I've been told the only time bull elephants congregate is when they are in competition, otherwise they are solitary."

ORIGINAL SUBMISSION

Golf Cart + Garden Hose

(5 September 2017, California) Fun-loving Cody Horn's last act was to pilot a golf cart towed by garden hose behind a vehicle on State Highway 4, east of Angels Camp. The golf cart swerved across the double yellow line and directly into the path of a Ford truck, causing a head-on collision that instantly killed the 28-year-old.

Beloved and hard-working Mr. Horn left many friends behind when he drove himself out of this life. No reason for the garden-hose golf-cart adventure has been determined -- probably it was intended to be a harmless prank.

Mr. Horn was loved by many, and we bring his premature death to the attention of our readers as a cautionary tale of a silly prank gone too far. Be safe, folks! Do not cross that line -- the double yellow line -- when planning your own out-of-the-box adventures.

ORIGINAL SUBMISSION

One Way Ticket

(21 March 2017, Germany) Blasting apart a ticketing machine at the train station was supposed to buy him a ticket to the good life, but instead the 31-year-old purchased passage in the opposite direction, losing his life in an explosion that ripped the metal front panel off the machine.

The details are: he stiffened his resolve with a few drinks at a bar, he was spotted spraying cans of aerosol gas into a ticket vending machine, he placed the empties in a jute bag, and then he ignited the gas (by means undisclosed) causing an explosion that rocked the Dortmund neighborhood.

A bar acquaintance recognized him and called for emergency help. But, sprinkled with shrapnel wounds and suffering a substantial head injury, the man rapidly succumbed to death despite resuscitation efforts.

Safety measures as simple as wearing a leather jacket and motorcycle helmet would have changed the outcome for Mr. One Way Ticket Out.

ORIGINAL SUBMISSION ONE, AND TWO

Air Strike Out

(25 March 2017, Mexico) Women are underrepresented in the Darwin Awards. We hope readers appreciate this cautionary true account. One fine day Nirvana and Corral (pseudonyms) went off to see the horse races. They were excited to be at the racetrack in the Sovereign State of Chihuahua.

The races were held on a track adjacent to an airfield runway. Spectators arrived in vehicles and in planes. After the races, Corral (18) and Nirvana (17) wanted to share a selfie online—as one does. In order to selfie the racetrack scene, they needed to gain elevation.

But horses race on flatlands. Airfields are built on flatlands. The highest spot was on top of a vehicle parked alongside the uncontrolled airfield runway.

They chose the highest platform they could-- a flatbed truck or a van-- and climbed to the top. Accounts differ on the specific vehicle, but agree that the women did not have permission.

Posing and smiling, paying no attention to their surroundings, they were taking a big risk by becoming the highest points at this rural airfield. According to news reports, the noise of the crowd drowned out the noise of a descending aircraft, and the wing of the aircraft struck and killed them instantly.

Tragedy Of The Selfie.

Personally I do mourn the deaths of two lively young people. But I also expect this will serve as a warning to other younger folks. Please share this regrettable Public Service Announcement. #selfiedeaths

Pistol Of Justice

(April 2017, Argentina) "Divine punishment," said the judge, deciding not to imprison a man who shot himself in the testicles while carrying an illegal weapon in his waistband. The man lost his family jewels, his job as a security guard, and was faced with years in prison until the court ruled that he had been punished enough by a higher authority. Instant karma?

Reported widely in two major newspaper, Clarín and La Nacion, tact requires us to withhold the name of this Living Darwin Award Winner. Jobs are scarce in the man's town within Buenos Aires, and the unregistered 45-caliber Colt pistol had been given to him as part of his security job, creating a tragedy within a tragedy.

The shooting occurred about two years ago. The final court decision occurred in April 2017. Although this was reported on April 1st, my contact Luis Burgueño assures me that Argentina celebrates Fools Day on December 28th, el dia de los santos inocentes.

Flat Hatting Pilots

(1 October 2017, United States) Flying home from a week-long Naval event that included Low Altitude Awareness Training, two experienced military pilots traded off at the controls while "flat hatting" -- flying at low altitude and high speed across the terrain. At staggering speeds the men swooped as low as 210 feet, swapping control back and forth as they flipped the bird to the 500-foot clearance regulation.

The instructing pilot, Lt. Ruth, 31, was hellbent on teaching his advanced flight student Lt. Burch, 25, the old maxim, "There are old pilots and there are bold pilots..." At T-minus 35 seconds, Ruth deviated from the flight path and commenced a descending turn to demonstrate terrain-following techniques. He then returned the aircraft to Burch and instructed him to make a hard right turn.

But the plane was too slow and too low. In response to the irregular maneuvers the T-45C Goshawk training aircraft stalled above the rising terrain. Too low. Too slow. Too late. Unable to eject safely, both lieutenants earn entry into the Double Darwin Awards archives.

According to USNI Aviation News, "The Navy determined that aggressive and unsafe behaviors by an Instructor Pilot and Student Naval Aviator led to the T-45C Goshawk crash."

The pilots were steeped in an aggressive ONAV top-gun culture. Heeding the warning of the daredevils' deadly antics, "The naval aviation training community took the crash investigation process as an opportunity to rededicate itself to the culture of safety and strict adherence to standards."

Desire to DISCUSS MERITS IN DEPTH?? Visit our PHILOSOPLY FORUM!!

ORIGINAL SUBMISSION

503 Server Overload

(9 April 2017, France) Locked in his bedroom by Mom, a French man leaves by climbing down the ethernet cable.

At 1:30AM in Rouen a 47-year-old man attempted to leave his room by climbing down the ethernet cable. He chose this router because his concerned mother had locked him in his room to prevent him from intoxicating himself. Being heavier than a few gigabytes, his weight was too much for the cable and he crashed to the street from the 9th story apartment. The doctors could not resuscitate him, yet wouldn't he have found another way to remove himself from the gene pool?

ORIGINAL SUBMISSION

DISCUSSION: Some readers say a common sad alcoholic may not merit a Darwin Award. "For this one, i do not see a DA... I just see a poor man, alccol can become an illness." And, "How does this deserve a Darwin? This is just a quite sad circumstance." Other readers make light:

He was the fastest reader in France. Nine stories in 2.1 seconds. -StuyCurtis
401 - FORBIDDEN to ignore laws of physics. -AndoreasuBushika
Luckily he didn't choose the WiFi-Cable. -HolgerHaug
Malformed head(er). -DagmarKrieger
Fastest download speed ever, before the router crashed. -SimonGarland
100% Packet Loss. -LinusJohansson
He passed 5 cats on the way down. -MichaelWooten
I don't think the cable was Cat6 UTP. -AzizErrafay
. -

Wrong Time, Wrong Place

(3 February 1990, Washington) The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree appeared to be the robber's first try, due to his lack of a previous record of violence AND his terminally stupid choices, as follows:

1. His target was H&J Leather & Firearms - a gun shop.

2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers.

3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door.

4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter having coffee before work.

Upon entering the premises, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, covered by several customers who also drew their guns, thereby removing the confused criminal from the gene pool.

No one else was hurt.

Illustrated by Zeebarf

Submitted by: Gary Nach and Marcus Donner
Reference: Lyle Price and Robert Jones of the South County Journal

Priapism Takes a Penis

Doctors warn of a dangerous new method of cocaine abuse: injecting the drug directly into the urinary tract. Physicians from New York Hospital-Cornell Medical Center reported the case of a 34-year-old man who suffered severe bleeding under the skin after pumping cocaine into his urethra. It led to complications that destroyed his penis, nine fingers, and parts of his legs. "They fill an eye dropper or a syringe with a cocaine solution and inject it into the penis," said Dr. Samuel Perry, a professor of clinical psychiatry.

The man had injected cocaine before intercourse in an effort to enhance sexual performance. He was admitted to the hospital because his penis had remained erect for three days, resulting in a painful inability to urinate. The medical term for a prolonged erection is "priapism." On his third day in the hospital, the man's erection suddenly subsided. Over the next 12 hours, blood leaked into the tissues of his feet, hands, genitals, back and chest. Blood coagulation caused tissues to die over large areas of the patient's body, and he was transferred to the burn unit of New York Hospital-Cornell Medical Center.

Doctors there were forced to amputate the man's legs above the knee and all but one of his fingers to stop the spread of gangrene. The patient's penis fell off by itself. The man is currently recovering in a rehabilitation facility.

Men who inject cocaine into the penis report that it gives them a sexual high. Drug abuse treatment experts have previously reported external use of cocaine as a sexual stimulant. Cocaine powder is rubbed onto the surface of the genital organs by both men and women in an effort to halt premature ejacuation or improve sexual sensations.

"We report this case to alert clinicians to this new method of cocaine abuse and to describe its rare and previously unreported complications," the doctors concluded.

Reader Comments:
"Priapism Takes a Penis makes me think of you and that damned viagra..."
"Frightening! This should be posted in all bars, schools etc."
"A hard way to go."
"Hard to imagine!"
"Killer Hard-on!"

Submitted by Pete Turner

Reference: "Intraurethral Cocaine Administration" JC Mahler, S Perry, B Sutton, JAMA 1988 Jun 3;259(21):3126

In A Pig's Eye

(4 July 1991) Three Eaton folks died on the evening of July 4th. James, Billy and Ashley were killed early Friday morning after their blue Ford pickup rolled over on country Road 24. Hogs and alcohol were contributing factors to the accident.

"We found several beer cans in and around the scene," said Sheriff Andrew Watson. The driver had a blood alcohol content twice the legal limit.

The events unfolded like this:

The three men spent the national holiday drinking. Later that evening they were struck with sudden cravings for porkchops. "They were popping off fireworks when Jimmy said they ought to go get some eats," reported Billy's girlfriend Emma.

At 11:00PM they drove ten miles to a pig farm, intent on stealing a hog. One of the men scaled the fence and tied the end of a rope to a plump quadriped. The other two men started pulling on the 400-lb beast. The stress of a struggling hog was too much for the 6 foot chain link fence, and a fourteen foot section collapsed loudly, startling the other hogs into a stampede.

"I was asleep when I herd this godawful noise, " explained John Wilson, owner of the farm. "I run out of the house with my shotgun and shot off both barrels in the air, and yelled at them to get on out."

The friends loaded up their stolen pig in a flash, tied the rope to the truck, and sped down the county road in excess of 90 miles per hour. Unfortunately they forgot to buckle their seat belts, but the pig was strapped in.

Three miles down the road, the hog began making a commotion in the back of the pickup truck, causing the vehicle to swerve wildly. That threw the pig from the back of the truck, and it was dragged along the dirt road for about half a mile.

Distracted, the driver hit a soft shoulder, and the truck rolled 40 feet, ejecting all three men from the vehicle and killing them.

The victims were discovered at 5:00AM by a passing motorist. Police caution motorists to drive sensibly on dirt roads, wear seatbelts, and refrain from drinking while driving.

The pig lived.

Submitted by: Mike Scott
Reference: Eaton Express Weekly

Midnight Special

(21 December 1992, North Carolina)
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death
in December in Newton, when, awakening to the sound of
a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone
but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special,
which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

Pancake Pantry Thief

(1992, Tennessee) Nashville's Pancake Pantry restaurant is well known throughout the music industry, not only for its great pancakes, but for its star-studded clientele as well. It is not uncommon for the Pantry's sidewalk to be littered with long lines of customers waiting for breakfast and the chance to see a famous country star dining there. The man involved in this story may linger longer in our memories than the average country singer's career.

It seems one of the Pancake Pantry employees, noting how successful the place was, thought it would be a perfect place to rob. Early one morning, he climbed on the roof and reached the exhaust chute that hangs over the Pantry's large flat grill. Upon inspection, the perpetrator realized that he couldn't negotiate the tight passage fully dressed. He disrobed and slid down the exhaust chute naked. This was the last thing he ever did.

Imagine the surprise of the opening crew for the restaurant that morning! As they prepared for the morning's breakfast, they were horrified to find a pair of legs dangling just inches from the griddle.

What happened to our would-be villain? It seems that the chute was so tight, there was no room for error. As he slid down the chute, he slipped and caught his own arm under his chin, where he stuck. He died by suffocating himself.

Paul Bordenkircher says, "I share this story not because I heard it third-hand, or even second-hand. I report it because I saw the it on local TV news, including a full video of the grisly discovery hanging above the Pantry's famous griddle."

Submitted by: Paul Bordenkircher

Reference: WSMV TV

The Fifth Bishop Of California

(5 September 1969, Israel) Bishop Pike was one cool dude. This chain-smoking Fifth Bishop Of California was in favor of the ordination of women and desegregating churches. He promoted acceptance of LGBT people, and living wages for the working poor. Shortly after the Selma Protests he invited Martin Luther King to speak in historic Grace Cathedral in San Francisco. Bishop Pike also had a colorful series of romantic partners. The Bishop's life and death would make a wild movie.

Annoying the mainstream vanilla clergy was a joy for the Fifth Bishop. He questioned Mother Mary's virginity. He rejected the doctrine of Hell. He was great at making the most of media years before TWITTER. For example, when an honorary degree was offered him by a whites-only college, he agreed to attend the ceremony--then announced very publicly in the NEW YORK TIMES that he was turning down this dis-honor!

After many revolutionary actions and speeches, the Episcopal Church was buzzing like a hive of hornets. Bishop Pike was barred from all priestly functions, ostensibly for disobeying his superior and marrying a divinity student 25 years his junior. He snarled pithily, 'The POOR may inherit the Earth, but it appears that the RICH will inherit the Church.'

An amazing man to invite to a dinner party! A pithy Substack newsletter writer? Plenty more on Wikipedia. But also lurking in his wheelhouse was the ability to win a sensational Darwin Award. His fatal final day on Earth was the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, or 5th of September 1969. The exact date of death is unknown, despite being very well documented.

The former Bishop and his bride were in Israel to research a book on the historical Jesus. Off-the-cuff they decided to get a taste of the Savior's '40 Days In The Wilderness' experience, and they set out on a drive through the Judean Desert. Today that drive is a 45-km trip from Jerusalem to Qumran, but in 1969 the distance was further and the roads were poor.

The couple's first mistake was purchasing two cokes along the way, and considering that good enough for a hot and lonely desert drive. (A road construction crew with plenty of tea will save Diane, a bit further down the page.)

The second mistake was driving off the beaten path. The pair had a map from the rental company, yet drove wrong and wronger until the car got stuck in a rut on a dilapidated side road referred to as a 'tertiary road' in Diane Pike's subsequent book. From the main road, to a side road, to a beat-up 'tertiary' road AKA a camel path.

1) Out of water,
2) confused by the map, and
3) stuck in a rut, John Pike and his wife blundered deeper into doo doo.

There was a jack in the car! They tried to jack the car out of the rut, but incorrectly decided the European jack was 'missing its base' and tossed aside a perfectly good tool, making their fourth mistake. Quickly on its heels followed a fifth: The exasperated couple began to walk to Qumran--but headed in the wrong direction.

Two hours later, as night approached, the 56-year-old Bishop could go no further. This good man found a bit of shade in which to rest and possibly die. His 30-year-old wife was concerned that they would be considered God-forsaken 'suicides' if their dead bodies were found together, so she summoned her stamina and continued on. Ten hours later she reached a group of road-builders and was saved by cups of tea!

Diane Pike participated in five days of searching for James, and she paid for spiritualist and clairvoyant help as well. Finally the former Bishop's body was located--but not where Diane had last seen him.

Had the former Bishop received divine intervention? He had staggered away from the shady spot and hiked until he found a large pool of water cupped in a shaded canyon! After hydrating (Ahh!) he followed what he hoped was his wife's route. To indicate the path, he left behind a trail of clues: the map, undershorts, sunglasses, and a contact lens case. Pike was climbing a steep canyon wall in Wadi Mashash--when he slipped and fell 60 feet to his death.

The good-hearted, larger-than-life Fifth Bishop Of California died as he had lived: on his own terms and sustained by faith. Charles Darwin could not be more delighted to welcome this wonderful new Darwin Award Winner into Heaven.

ORIGINAL SUBMISSION

Fish Gag

(Zambia) A solo fishing expedition near Livingstone in Zambia turned into a tragedy when 28 year old Harris Simwaba was choked to death by a live fish which accidently slid and lodged itself into his throat.

Simwaba hooked the fish from the Chungu River 16km east of Livingstone, the Zambian media reported yesterday. When he tried to bite the fish to death it slid down his throat. Simwaba tried to hook out the fish with a stick, but he pushed it further down his throat instead. Villagers going to their fields on Sunday morning found his body sprawled on the ground with a stick dangling from his mouth. The fish came out when one of the villagers pulled the stick out of Simwaba's mouth."

Reference: Hickory Daily Record

Hurricane Hangover

(August 1969) On August 15, 1969, Hurricane Camille claimed 143 victims along the Mississippi Gulf Coast.. Most were guilty only of being in the wrong place at the wrong time, unlike twenty who perished while attending a beachfront "Hurricane Party."

Despite evacuation warnings delivered by earnest emergency teams, their festivities continued unabated. The party-goers defiantly declared that the concrete foundation and the second-floor location of their party provided plenty of protection from the impending hurricaine.

Their confidence proved to be tragically misplaced when a 24 foot wave slammed into the apartment, destroying the building and subjecting the partiers to gale-force winds and violent ocean surges.

Most of these Hurricane worshippers were killed. A few survivors were swept miles away, cheated of a Darwin Award by the capricious hand of fate.

Submitted by: Bob Hora

Reference: Mobile Alabama Press Register

Deadly Reading Habits

(March 1993, Florida) A 24-year-old salesman from Hialeah was killed near Lantana in March when his car smashed into a pole in the median strip of Interstate 95 in the middle of the afternoon. Police said that the man was traveling at 80 MPH and, judging by the sales manual that was found open and clutched to his chest, had been busy reading.

Reference: New of the Weird,
Universal Press Syndicate,
San Jose Mercury News

Murderous Affair

Regarding Douglas H. Baxter's great-great-great-grandmother's uncle, William Padgett. The first article sets the stage, the second details his innovative way of killing himself.

(31 July 1878, England) William, better know as "Old Bill" Padget, appeared before Justice Brown Saturday, charged with attempting to discharge a loaded gun with intent to kill Chas. Marshman, for whom he worked upon a farm. The examination showed that on Thursday Bill became angered at Marshman and drew a rifle on him and pulled the trigger; but the cap failed to explode. Marshman struck Bill with a stick of wood, and his fists, and drove him off to the barn, where some parties took the gun away from him and he fled to the woods, where he was found by the officer. Bill is not a very handsome or pleasant looking man when he is all right, and the beating he received had not added to his personal charms, he look as though he had tempted death by tickling the hind foot of a healthy mule. It was shown that Bill did not know the gun was loaded, he having set it away unloaded, and Marshman had loaded it unbeknown to him. He was held for assault and battery, and on Monday a trial by jury was held. The jury brought in a verdict of "not guilty."

(1 February 1887) James and William Padgett were of the first who commenced the settlement of this town and voted at this first election. They settled a few miles from the village near a stream which has since been called after them. Bear Trap Falls on this same steam came by its name in the following way: A few of their neighbors constructed what is called a "Dead Fall" or primitive bear trap, built in the form of a figure four, with a heavy piece of timber made sharp on one side to fall upon and hold any large animal when caught under it. This was in the autumn of 1800. One morning William Padgett while alone examined the trap to see if it was adjusted correctly.- It was; for the sharp log fell and imprisoned the unfortunate man, and several hours elapsed before any one came to his release. He was taken out, called for a drink of water, which was brought him in a hat from the stream near by, when he drank it and immediately expired.

Submitted by Douglas H. Baxter

Reference: Oxford Times, Reel 9, July 31, 1878, Oxford Times, Reel 11 Feb. 1, 1887

Death of Dracula

A college student costumed himself as Dracula for Halloween. As a finishing touch, he put a pine board down the front of his shirt so he could "realistically" sink a knife into the board and pretend he was transfixed by a vampire-killing stake.He didn't consider the strength of the thin pine board when he tapped the knife in with a hammer.

Propelled by the force of the hammer, the sharp blade split the soft wood and buried itself in his heart. He staggered from his dorm room into the Halloween party, gasping, "I really did it!" before succumbing.

Submitted by: Wendy Renee and ArnoNcarl

Reference: Dead Men Do Tell Tales by William R. Maples, Ph.D., 1994